Daily Archives: August 6, 2010

Hey BP – Here Are Some Other Things I Need Drilled

BP has announced today it might drill again “into the same lucrative undersea pocket of oil” that has now caused the spillage of millions of gallons of crude along the Gulf coast, putting thousands of people out of work and into the unemployment lines and basically creating an environmental disaster this size of, well, the Gulf of Mexico.

It seems like these loons at BP are just plain old loopy about drilling. In fact, you might think that BP wants to drill so bad that it might have a contract with, say, Halliburton. Naw, can’t be.

You might even think that Dick Cheney has some kind of fetish involving drills.

So this morning I was sitting around watching CNN and clipping my toenails, when it occurred to me that I have a few pretty important things that I need drilled – and maybe BP would be willing to help me out.

1.) I’ve got this really bad toothache. I mean this thing is killing me and I’m pretty sure it needs a root canal. So if the kind folks at BP have any “Dentist-sized drills.”

(Note: Man pictured above in dentist’s chair – not me.)

2.) I also know of quite a few politicians who I’ve long wondered if they have a brain in their head, and I think maybe we could drill a thin hole through their skulls to find out.

3. In addition, my lovely fiancee purchased some kind of desk or shelves or something wooden from Ikea that we can’t seem to put together and I’m convinced that if we could just drill a couple more holes…

(Note: Man pictured above with goggles – also not me.)
I could go on and on. There are just so many things you could do with the help of BP’s drills to make this a better world. In fact, don’t tell a soul, but there’s a spot in my background where just the other day I saw some “bubbling crude.”

(Man pictured above is Jed Clampett – who many or may not have held stock in Halliburton, but is definitely not me.)

Perhaps there’s something (or someone) who you’d like to drill.

The sky’s the limit with BP. In fact, that might make a pretty good slogan for 2011.


Filed under Politics